Nello scorso editoriale abbiamo discusso alcune delle ragioni per le quali il fallimento ed il rifiuto vengono tendenzialmente percepiti in maniera negativa.
Avevamo concluso sostenendo che la ricerca di conferme da parte del mondo esterno – nonostante sia comune a tutti gli individui nell’età dello sviluppo – resta più accentuata in età adulta soprattutto in chi sente di non aver ricevuto sufficiente amore, attenzione e apprezzamento da parte dei genitori e delle persone con cui entra a contatto fino alla pubertà. In questi casi, infatti, l’individuo tende a sviluppare una personalità più incerta, più fragile, che fonderà la propria sicurezza più sui riscontri esterni che su unaconsapevolezza interna del proprio valore.
A prescindere dalle cause che possano provocare l’una o l’altra tendenza, i fondatori della Programmazione Neuro-Linguistica (PNL) ed altri autori concordano nel credere che associare immagini negative ai concetti di “rifiuto” e “fallimento” porta il soggetto a vivere anche sensazioni ed emozioni spiacevoli.
E questo lo si poteva già dedurre da quanto insegnava Gottlob Frege (1848 – 1925): tutti i sostantivi ed i verbi hanno sì un “significato”, una “denotazione”, un riferimento alla realtà – immaginaria o fattuale che sia; ma anche elementi di contorno “non essenziali”, diversi a seconda della cultura e dell’esperienze di riferimento: le cosiddette “connotazioni”.
Provate adesso ad immaginare il momento in cui avete vissuto negativamente un rifiuto o un fallimento personale, associandolo ad idee di pentimento, inadeguatezza, insufficienza, frustrazione, demotivazione, depressione, vergogna e così via – e magari vi è venuta in mente anche l’immagine di una persona “fallita” che non stimate. La tendenza sarà stata quella di esperire anche le sensazioni e le emozioni normalmente evocate da queste associazioni. E ciò avrà avuto conseguenze dirette sulla vostra motivazione, sul vostro modo di relazionarvi agli altri, sulla vostra forza ed energia fisica, sicurezza, sull’intensità del tono della vostra voce, la vostra postura, e così via.
Per evitare tutto questo, i fondatori della PNL ed altri autori consigliano di applicare una tecnica chiamata “reframing” (letteralmente “re-incorniciamento”), consistente nel cambiare la cornice di riferimento del concetto stesso. Un esempio molto banale di questa tecnica è quello del “bicchiere mezzo pieno e mezzo vuoto“; o della “crisi che è anche un’opportunità“.
Anche sui concetti di “rifiuto” e di “fallimento” possiamo modificare radicalmente il punto di vista, passando cioè dall’idea dell’impossibilità di avere successo in futuro alla sua esatta antitesi, ossia l’idea di una maggiore probabilità di riuscire.
A questo proposito è molto interessante il punto di vista di Andrea Waltz e Richard Fenton. I due agenti di commercio e autori americani rovesciano completamente il modo convenzionale di concepire i concetti di “rifiuto” e “fallimento”, modificando il modo di percepire questo genere di esperienze associandole ad immagini differenti.
Nel loro bestseller ”Go for No! : Yes Is the Destination, No Is How You Get There” i due autori fanno questo discorso, che parafraso così: «se in media ottengo un “sì” ogni volta che suono il campanello di 100 persone, allora mi serviranno 99 “no” per poter arrivare ad un “sì”. Stando così le cose, meglio quindi focalizzarsi sul cercare di ottenere nel più breve tempo i 99 “no” invece che sul trovare quel singolo “sì”. In questo modo, infatti, ogni “no” non sarà più percepito come l’ennesimo inutile e demotivante buco nell’acqua; ma piuttosto come un mezzo, un gradino da salire per raggiungere l’obiettivo finale, il “sì”».
Questo concetto è presente pure in una frase molto profonda attribuita a Leonardo da Vinci (1452 – 1519): “la sapienza é figliuola della sperienza”.
Come insegnano alcuni autori e maestri, l’unico momento che viviamo e in cui possiamo agire è il presente; solo “qui ed ora“, infatti, possiamo riprovare a raggiungere i nostri obiettivi percorrendo strade diverse alla luce delle esperienze passate, siano esse considerate fallimenti o successi, termini non neutri che richiamano dei “pregiudizi di valore”.
Oltretutto è importantissimo sottolineare che “il riuscire” o “il non riuscire” non dipende necessariamente da voi, ma molto spesso da tutta una serie di contingenze che non hanno niente a che vedere con quello che siete o fate.
Certamente potrà solo esservi utile chiedervi cosa avreste potuto migliorare, perché la vostra mente cercherà di trovare una risposta alla domanda e vi metterà in una posizione migliore per poter affrontare meglio situazioni simili in futuro.
Guardare indietro quindi va bene ed è giusto, fintantoché però lo fate per prendere la rincorsa e andare meglio avanti.
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